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Welcome to the all new TAFN Cat's Whiskers page! A page for feline humour.
Contents:-
Simple rules for felines to live by...
How
to bathe a cat
How to clean a cat!
How
to Prepare for a New Cat
Rules For Cats
How
to give a cat a pill
How to give
a dog a pill
How
to wrap presents when your cat is around
Cat
Translations
Famous Cat Quotations
Cat
Litter Cake Recipe
Kitty heaven
Cat
Story
We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer!
How many dogs does it
take to replace a light bulb?
When a
cat is dropped...
Einstein explains
And
God created Dog...
Simple rules for felines to live by...
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the computer.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.
Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not jump onto a seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
Written by: The Dog.
(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called From Paws to Tails."
Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:)
Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington
Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you:
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
F. Next,
the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will
be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point
and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact,
the drying is simple compared with what you have just been
through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently
affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug
with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however,
the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this
happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and
to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water
is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just
reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will
relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing
to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with
his
back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will
be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through
your defenses and injure you for life the next time you
decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a
lot better.
1. Thoroughly clean the
toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while
you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put
the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid
so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too
close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can
find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''power wash
and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have
someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet
as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat
will rocket out of the toilet,and run outside where he will dry
himself.
Yours Sincerely, the Dog
Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.
Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.
Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting "No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the end of the program.
Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It's going to get scratched anyway.
Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.
Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.
Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2:00AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.
There now, once you've done all these, you've passed the test, and are ready to take on that little furry critter!
Written by: The Dog
I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When
supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be
seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up
and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting
projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as
to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend
to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting
needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is
to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in
spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly
activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity),
keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds
nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and
erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the
newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They
love to jump.
V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as
close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to
strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the
dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with
improving their coordination
skills.
VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator
will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin
your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between
the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands
as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a
corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3:
Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible.
Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at
alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't
blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5:
Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your
nails.
1. Pick up the cat mind cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw; force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the flipping cat from tree across the road.
11. Apologise to neighbour who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil
wrap. Tie the little *@*!! front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Be
rough about it Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat
to wash down pill.
12. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call fumiture shop on way home to order a new table.
13. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Wrap it in bacon.
How to wrap presents when your cat is around
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels etc.
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Reopen drawer and re-remove cat.
10. Remove present from bag.
11. Remove cat from bag.
12. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
13. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
14. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
15. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
16. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
17. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
18. Place present on paper.
19. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
20. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent tape.
21. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
22. Seal paper with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
23. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
24. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
25. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
26. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
27. Decide to skip steps 13-17, in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box, that is the right size for sheet of paper.
28. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
29. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
30. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
31. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
32. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
33. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cries from cat outside door.)
34. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best.)
35. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with wrapping last year.
36. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
37. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing tears with transparent tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
38. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
39. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
40. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
41. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
42. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper. Feed cat. Return to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
43. Find least torn and wrinkled sheets of paper. Attempt to use sheets of same pattern.
44. Vainly try and wrap present in patchwork of paper. Tie with now tattered ribbon and decorate with the now limp bows. Label and put present in bag, for fear of anyone seeing this disaster.
45. When giving the gift, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
46. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the damn thing for you.
47. Smile smugly, knowing that the recipient could have received a cat!
Miaow - Feed me.
Meeow - Pet me.
Mrooww - I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
Mrow - I feel like making noise.
Rrrow-mawww - Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box.
Rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
Miaowmiaow - Play with me
Miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
Mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture
Raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
Mrowwwww - I am now recalling, with sorrow,
that some of my private parts did not
return with me from that visit to the
vet.
Roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
Gakk-ak-ak - My
digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this
have
come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
Mow - Snuggling is a good idea.
Moww - Shedding is pretty good too
Mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow! - I have discovered that,
although one may be able to wedge his body through
the gap behind the stove
and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is
slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
SsssRoww! - I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
Mmmrowmmm - It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
Mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Mreoaw - Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.
Mreeeow - Do you serve catnip with that?
Mroow - I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing?
Miaooww! Mriaow! - Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the "Power-wash" pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
The Dog!
This is a real recipe.....
WANT TO HAVE FUN AT
A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE, BUT
YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT
THINK SO!
CAT LITTER CAKE RECIPE
On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board. After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so that my wife could make it, which she refused to do. I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below (not included), show the results of her work, which looks like @#%* but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.
CAKE INGREDIENTS
1
box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package
white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix A few
drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
SERVING
"DISHES AND UTENSILS"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1
NEW pooper scooper
Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside. When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture. Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top. Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives... from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending over are delicious!"
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be angry if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day. Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later her husband died.
The women were sitting around the card table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife calmly replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantelpiece while licking himself.
Cat Jokes, warning, puns may be hazardous to your intelligence. :o)
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? - A duck filled fatty puss!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? - He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath.
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? - There was some money in the kitty.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? - Shredded tweet!
What do cat actors say in a Shakespearean play? - Tabby or not tabby! That is the question.
What is the only kind of work a weak cat can do? - Light mouse work
Where did the kittens go on their class trip? - To a mewseum
What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films? - Disney Spells
Where did the first cats live? - Purr-sia and Paw-tugal
What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat? - A peeping Tom
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
How many dogs does it take to replace a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do It. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Dark!! Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right THERE!....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a big circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a bulb?
German Shepherd: All right, everyone stop where you are. Who busted the light?
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped,
it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is
strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then
dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning
inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they
could form the basis of a high-speed
monorail system." This innovative
transport solution won a British student a prize!
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat" - Albert Einstein.
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pet
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . . . .
And Dog was happy. . . . ..
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....
Many thanks to ROANN & JAYE for your contributions. More Contributions to this page are welcome from anyone! To submit mog ( and maybe even dog) humour please email the webmaster.
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