A collection of humorous emails sent weekly from our very own "Blind Bookie" AKA Trev the Tip, to TAFN Treasurer Chris Payne during 2007.
Read swish of the tail number 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18
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hi chris
yes you guessed it, sex . the other day flipping through the channels while waiting for the racing to come on, I came across the jeremy kile show, what a load of shoe menders this guy, who claims he wants to help these people, believes in airing all there marital and sexual problems in front of about 6000000 viewers, and these doughnuts fall for it. he does'nt want to help, he wants to cause world war 3, on this particular show his success rate was two divorces, one trial seperation, the son went of with his boy friend, and grandad shacked up with next doors o pair!
then there's the problem pages in these womans magazines, where do these muppets come from, dear so and so, my husband wants me to go with him to a swingers party, but i dont like heights, what should i do, where's she been for the last 25 years?, or my husbands dream is for me to dress up in a nurse's uniform ,what can i do, push him down the stairs, six montths traction in hospital, he wont even want to watch casualty then. there was the one who wrote in to say her and her husband could only find satisfaction, when they made love in a plastic dustbin bag, and was this normal, of course it is. it's far more popular in the south than up north as they still use metal bins, and lugging one of those up two flights of stairs can dampen the ardour. if you get your bags from argos they're doing a special deal this week, two for the price of one. the worlds gone sex mad, what a load of cuckoos out there. well must go now, as i have just noticed i'm a bit low on viagra, my six inch stillettoes need re heeling, and i've got a ladder in my stockings.
todays tips are, judd street, minority report, the big cat and samuel.
best wishes to yourself, love to teresa and all the family, take care, trev.
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Sent: Sunday, September 02, 2007
Subject: the ambience and charm of british
race courses
hi chris. sorry about last weeks e mail, but my computer keeps freezing, just like my horses in the starting stalls, any way last week my friend and myself decided to slip over to kempton, to see if we could relieve the bookies of some of there ill gotten gains. kempton is only ten minutes away from us by car, and now they have changed to the all weather track it's micky mouse racing, more like animated roulette but we thought we would give it a crack. well, by the time we'd parked the car, got in, and bought a race card, we were already down a pony each, and there they were the bookies, all lined up like the kray brothers at the vicars tea party. i had already picked out this little filly in the first, and when they started betting she was priced up at twelve to one, so i asked one bookie if he would lay me 100 pounds to 8 and asked for a braille receipt, he then muttered some thing under his breath about my parentage, and said if he had his way i would be running in the next race, wich turned out to be a two mile handicap for geldings. he then gave me a ticket with half a dozen pin holes in it, nice sort of guy. as you probably guessed the horse finished fourteenth, two more races, two more losers, so we decided to grab a beer and sandwich. i decided on the fresh crab ones accompanied with a tiny side salad, and they were right, tom thumb would have died of malnutrition, as the waitress cleared away our plates she asked if we had any complaints, and got really upset when i said it would have tasted better if they had shelled the crab first, to which she replied,it must have been the bread, it had been puzzling her why the ducks had been throwing it back at her. so after a couple more warm beers, we decided to check out the runners in the next race, which had been delayed by twenty minutes, due to the fact a young boy was on the grandstand roof, after getting him down the local fire brigade, thought it might be better if they let down the pressure, and relocated the bouncy castle. and so to the last race, where believe it or not i backed the winner, which was promptly disqualified after the jocky forgot to way in owing to the fact he wanted to get home in time for coronation street. the best part of the day came when someone tied a bookies shoe lace to the spokes of the big wheel, i still think he's up there, so another unlucky day even as we walked out we passed the kiddies roundabout, and that stopped as well.
so on to todays tips
chantilly tiffany ,dan dare, pegasus wings, and indian trail
must go now, best wishes to yourself, love to teresa and all the family. take care, trev.
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Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007
Subject: the curse of the twenty
first century
hi chris
mobile phones, slim, versatile, compact and deadly. dont you just hate them, i do, there everywhere, you cant get away from them, they stalk you, only the other day we went to kingston what a journey that turned out to be.
it only takes about twenty minutes on the bus, but by the time we got there, i knew that a woman called daphne was having her bunnions done on friday, and a hip replacement the following thursday, a guy called winston was going to give darren a good hiding, for nicking his girl friend and a girl called chablis had just given us a blow by blow account of how she got pregnant, after her friends hen night, no wonder after downing seven pints of brown ale, six bacardi breezer chasers, and half a bucket of kentucky fried chicken i'm sure the baby will be born with a newcastle shirt on, singing a regay version, of an american trilogy. and dont you just love those ring tones, a nice quiet saturday afternoon, football on the radio, and racing on the tele, then crash, in come the grand children you have now got star wars in the lounge, dido singing i'm no angel in the kitchen, and the frog stomp coming out of the bathroom. the other day i was down the doctors, when someones phone started playing I've got you under my skin, the bloke opposite got the right hump, mind you he did have x ma, so i suppose he did have a point. i've been to weddings where half way through the service the rocky theme has started playing,, cremations where some ones phone has started playing, come on baby light my fire, and at brian the bookies funeral we all stood up about half a dozen times, when the mar silay started playing. what i say is put all the mobiles together, and nuke them.
any way on to todays selections
3 p m newmarket, center fold
3 20 newbury, wake up maggie
3 45 ripon,
kostal
3 55 newbury, folly lodge
well must go now, it's mag's birthday, so i'm taking her to see dial m for murder
best wishes to your self, love to teresa and all the family. take care,trev
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Sent: Saturday, August 11, 2007
Subject: angels of mercy, your having
a laugh
hi chris
as you know i decided to give goodwood a miss last week, but i still finished up getting stung, this time by those damm mosquitos bites the size of water melons and did i get any sympathy from mags, did i hell all i got was oh, it's only a scratch, thats exactly what harold's wife said, after the battle of hastings, last week i went to the hospital, sympathy, not a bit. the nurse asked if i would mind giving a specimen of water, and then promptly gave me a gallon jug, i said what in there, she said, yes, and to the top, and when we came out, mags was whistling, sympathy for the devil, all the way home. also have you noticed the difference between mens and womens ills, we get a headache, they get acute crannial pressure on the left side of the brain, we get a cold, they get blackwater fever, we have stomach ache, they have a blockage of the intestinal tract, and as for there fallopian tubes, you would think they had the london underground down there, and all the fuss about having a baby, i never felt a thing, it's just like shelling peas, it's funny but they never get lock jaw.
any way here are todays selections
2 55 ascot colloquil
3 10 haydock misty dancer
3 30 ascot coriolanus
4
5 ascot woovoka
well must go now, as my flight for mongolia is booked for six p m, could you please foreward any fan mail from our lady readers, to my new web site.
best wishes to yourself, love to teresa and all the family. take care, trev.
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Sent: Saturday, July 28, 2007
Subject: a pleasant drive in the
sussex countryside, r i p
hi chris, saturday again. well this year we have decided to give glorious goodwood a miss. the festival meeting is still glorious, but what was once a pleasant drive, through the leafy lanes of sussex has all turned pear shaped. where once, wild flowers and hedgerows grew, is now a colourful multitude of, broken down washing machines, t v sets, mattresses, and the occasional four poster bed, all interspaced by gypsy caravans, usually 15 ton motor homes. ocasionaly you would see the odd wild rabbit or fox,lightly skipping across the road, now it's a pack of rotweillers, only last year what we thought to be a woodpecker, was in actual fact, some albanian gypsies, trying to tap in to the nearest electric pylon. even when you stop at traffic lights, robin hood and his bunch of merry rogues appear out of nowhere, armed with there squeegies, to wash your window screen, which didn't need washing in the first place and then to merryly relieve you of a fiver. flower sellers ply there trade, all freshly picked from the local cemmetary, vendors hawk there wares, cans of coke at fifty quid a time, not the kind you drink either, hot dogs, freshly made, 99 per cent airdale, and of course punnets of fresh english strawberries fresh in from turkey. then when you get there, it's 35 quid to get in, 5 quid for a race card, 20 quid for a jug of pimms, and a tenner for a beef sandwich, that's before you do battle with the enemy, the bookies. and it's a long way home, if you didn't back a winner!
anyway here are todays fab four, or as bob says the kiss of death
2.25 newmarket, king charles
3.10 ascot, prince of elegance
three fourty
five ascot, king of argos
2 .55, duchess royale
as you can see, it's goner be a royal flush today.
must toddle off now, i have a knighthood to pick up for charity work with sick horses.
best wishes to yourself,love to teresa and all the family. take care, trev.
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Sent: Saturday, July 21, 2007
Subject: life beyond the watford gap
hi chris. it was really great to meet you on thursday, shame we couldn't squeeze in a few more beers. it's an interesting experience travelling up north, we stopped at a service station to partake of the local food, it was a truly continental menu. curry and chips, hotpot and chips, black pudding and chips, pork pie and chips, and of cours the usual haggis kebab and chips, all served with a side order of mushy peas.
meanwhile in the field next door, ye oldee village fair was taking place, in the space of 20 minutes i was offered, 2 kalashnikov rifles, a polish work force large enough to build the olympic stadium, and an albanian o pair, this is without the lorry load of fags, and a half share in shergar. what quaint little customs you have up north. oh well, on to todays selections
2 o clock newmarket luck be a lady
2 35 newmarket under the rainbow
3
10 market rasen michaels dream
3 35 newmarket bee keeper
well have to go now, we are going to look at some second hand arks.
best wishes to yourself, love to teresa and all the family
p s give my regards, to paul. trev
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Sent: Saturday, July 14, 2007
Subject: harry potter and the bookies bonanza
hi chris
you know the punters motto, if you cant beat them, join them. so this week i am doing exactly that. as you will probably know by now,the final book in the harry potter saga, is due to be released within the next two weeks. so i thought get in there my son, i have heard a few whispers from the j k rowling stable, so i have decided to open a book on some likely events, happening in this the final book. the latest odds available are as follows
it's 6 to 4 harry is made captain of the england quidditch team, who later go on to lose the world cup to germany, 4 2 on penalties.
2 to 1 the phoenix bird has the christmas number one single, with ashes
to ashes.
5 to 2 doby actually turns out to be mr blair.
7 to 2 hermonee
actually gets to kiss ron, who then promptly turns into a frog.
4 to 1 dumbledork
gets the sack, for flogging illicit steroids, ectasy, and viagra to the colombians.
6
to 1 proffessor snape, who wants to go on to bigger things, runs off with jordan.
7
to 1 the hogwarts express is delayed, due to industrial action by british rail
staff.
10 to 1 hagrid marries that french bird, madam something or other,
that he met in the goblet of fire, who then turns out to be a fillipino transvestite.
12
to 1 rons two older brothers get caught trying to do the goblins bank, but get
away with two weeks comunnity service, due to a polliticaly correct judge, saying
they had a poor upbringing.
16 to 1 mrs macdonnegal, who is now on two packs
of marlboro a day, leaves us unexpectedlly when she asks hagrids dragon, for
a light.
25 to 1 that young plank nevil who always botches things up,
finally blows hogwarts into oblivion.
for more exciting offers, please check out our web site at
w w w watch your money vanish at trev 2007
any new clients will receive a bottle of 25 year old malt whisky curtesy of bob whiteside please note we do not accept irish punts, scottish fivers or credit. oh well, on to todays selections.
2.40 York BO McGinty
3.15 York Kyoto Summit
2.50 Ascot Heaven Sent
3.50
York. White Deer
Got to go now we're off to see the wizard, Love to all Trev.
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Sent: Saturday, July 07, 2007
Subject: why eve, got booted out of the garden
hi chris
there's an old saying in the betting shop trade, when a punter walks into a betting shop, he leaves his brains at the front door. This must also apply to women, and flower shows. yesterday mags went to hampton court flower show, along with her sister in law jerry, she arrived home about five, on the back of a lorry along with, 3 tons of compost, 1 dozen anti skwirrel land mines, half the amazon rain forest, and a parrot.
oh well i thought, say nothing, soldier on, easier said than done, the parrot, which by the way is female only knows one word, wich she repeats over and over again and i do find the word loser distincually off putting, especially when i am studying the racing post, one consolation, sunday lunch is sorted. it doesn't finish there either, i have just been informed we have an old disused water mill, arriving next tuesday, i think mags must have got the wrong idea when i said check out the water features, i was thinking more along the lines of hot tubs.
oh well must go now, i have a parrot to strangle,so here are todays selections
2 05 hoh mike
2 35 lundys lane
3 15 admiral of the fleet
3 45 chantilly
tiffany
my usual pledge applys.
p s mags has just said she must feed the plants, she got yesterday, and has now disappeared down to the greenhouse,with two legs of lamb, and a pound of pork sausages should i start worrying.
best wishes to you, love to teresa and all the family. trev
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hi chris well here we are again, now i know how custer felt. even the budgie has got the hump, as i have told him, if we dont do any good today, his cage is on its way to the pawn shop. maggie reckons i am the only guy in the world, who could stop the four horseman of the apocalipse, must remember to cut the domestics wages. either that or send her out lap dancing. have to rush now, if she sees this i'm dead. so here are todays hopefuls .
2.30 Azeer 3.05 Linas Selection 3.45 Amadeus Wolf 4.25 Intrepid Jack
Kind Regards To All, Trevor
PS, Trevor might not be at the quiz Friday, He could be suffering from food poisoning! Mags
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Sent: Friday, June 22, 2007 1:55 PM
Subject: royal ascot day four
houston we have a problem hello chris well i have cancelled the racing post, and ordered the marrow growers guide instead also i learnt yesterday, not to follow other peoples tips. i was standing by the paddock, when i heard two guys speaking about this filly, good head, nice coat, good long legs, big bum strong and powerful, plenty of muscle. half an hour later i realised they were talking about clare balding. oh well on to todays selections 3.05, Ashkazar 3.45 Arch Swing 4.20 Lake Poet 4.55 Darestan
see you tonight at the quiz best wishes to yourself, love to the charming, witty, gorgeous duchess, please dont forget this when adding up my score tonight teresa, and of course regards to all the family trev
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Sent: Thursday, June 21, 2007
Subject: royal ascot day three
houston we have lift of hello mission control just a short e mail today, as sky sports want to interview me about my sucess, on finding a three to one winner yesterday, i know, but at least it's a start well here are todays hopefuls
three o five, short hand. three forty five, montare. four twenty, thunder cat storm. four fifty five,tranquil tiger.
well must toddle of now old bean, as the champers is getting rather warm best wishes to yourself,love to the duchess and all the family regards trev
update: Subject: last minute change to selections please note, in 3 05 race selection should be lost in wonder, not short hand trainer has two horses in race, and i typed in wrong one best wishes, trev.
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Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2007hi chris day two, and my confidence is shattered today i am by the royal enclosure, next to the bandstand, and some scottish guys are trying to strangle a haggis, someone said they sound like iron maiden, i wish i could put them in one. well here are todays selections
two thirty, fares. three o five, nanina. four twenty, trafalger square. four fifty five silver sands.
well thats it for today best wishes to yourself, love to the duchess and all the family regards trev
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Subject: royal ascot day one
hello christopher how jolly nice to speak to you once again, well here we are at the holy grail of flat racing, and after consultations with some of my esteemed colleagues, we have come up with the following selections
three o five, truth is beautiful. three forty five, he's a decoy. four twenty,racinger. four fifty five, inch na damp.
well must toddle of now old bean, got to try to cadge a lift in the old royal carriage, you know how it is, keeping up appearances best wishes to yourself, love to the duchess and all the family your esteemed mate, trev.
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Subject: only fools and horseshello chris oh what a fiasco partners in jazz, i think louis armstrong must have been in the saddle today, mind you, he was beaten by a horse who had been gelded during the winter, so was a few pounds better off in the weights. karoo blue, more like skippy the bush kangeroo. china lea, that ones going back to blackpool beach and as for maybel in the last race at sandown, she was last seen disappearing into hampton court maze, the stable lad is still looking for her mind you it's all wilfs fault,it was irish day at sandown today and i was banking on my irish correspondent to come up with the goods. but mags has just told me, there are no gallops on the falls road area of londonderry any way not to worry, royal ascot next week, my usual pledge will apply all next week, and will text in selections each day i have already had one bet at two hundred and fifty to one, that's on prince philip doing a streak down the course.
best wishes to yourself, teresa and all the family trev the tip.
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Subject: oops oh dearhello chris yes i know, but there were genuine excuses at this afternoons inquest, the following facts came to light. one, old moores almanac was last years edition. two, the pin was bent. three, what i thought to be a braille edition of the sporting life, was in fact last weeks copy of womans weekly, covered in biscuit crumbs. and finally, the only filly i backed, was later found to be suffering from p m t. oh well, the battle was lost but the wars not over yet,royal ascot is just round the corner.
regards to everyone trev the tip.
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Subject: once more into the breach dear friends
hi chris and teresa oh well its saturday again,and time for another tilt at the bookies lolly. armed with the sporting life, timeform, old moores almanac, and a pin, i have come up with four goodies for today. please bear in mind that these selections are based on the following assumptions. 1 the jockey has not had a barney with his misses this morning. 2 the trainer has not backed another horse in the race. 3 the stable lad can find the horse, after getting plastered down the pub last night. 4 the driver of the stable box knows where the course is. and fifth, the horse is not suffering from any of the following. gout, deafness, corns, bunnions, and is not visually impaired.
The selections are; Viking Spirit, Riotous applause, Fantasy Believer, Melpomeme.
Love to all Trev the tit oops spelt it wrong should have been Tip.
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Subject: message for captain bligh.
sir. sorry to report the loss of admiral of the fleet, and her sister ships. all sunk without trace, no survivors reported. i remain your obediant servant. nelson.
PS: i have cut maggies rum ration in half.
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Subject: we live in hope .
hi chris. todays lucky four, are as follows.
frosty night, admiral of the fleet, strike up the band, and cee barro, all running at epsom.
As usual 25 per cent of any returns will be donated to t a f n. incidentally have you heard that chas and dave, are going to play a gig at the royal opera house.
regards to everyone. trev.
Copyright Trevor Franklin 2007.
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Trev the Tip was a betting shop manager for 35 years before he went blind. He is now retired but is an active member of TAFN and can be frequently found on our voice chat server. He kindly donates a percentage of any winnings from his weekly tips to TAFN, a registered charity run by and for blind & VI people. Apart from being involved with TAFN he is also learning braille and computing, amd is a huge fan of Audio Description, a service which makes television and cinema accessible to blind people.
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